Showing posts with label Silent retreat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Silent retreat. Show all posts

So, Its Goodbye? All like that?!

                         The clock ticked 1 in the morning, waking her up. She then realized that she dozed away on the book she was reading earlier. No, she couldn't study this way. Cursing her tiredness, she jumped out of her warm cozy bed, washed her face, made herself a cup of tea and determined to finish her last minute revision for her next day exam. She read for half an hour when her phone beeped prompting new message. She hoped against hope that it was from him.As expected it wasn't from him.
                     
                           She couldn't believe that she still expected some communication with him.Him! He! the heart throb of any girl. He was smart, easy to be with, simple and gorgeous in his infinite mannerism. She adored him for long but little did he know her state. Magically, he did talk to her one day and from then the constant giggles, escaped glances became a part of their lives. But as they say, happy things don't come without some *conditions apply* tag. His family moved to other state. Still they tried their best to fight the distance between them.
                           
                            There was this one opportunity that striked them to make the circumstances favourable.   It was the very day last year, when she was doing her study, he phoned her. They talked all the very things happening around them. Talking to him, eased her nervous self.

He: This exam is very important for us, Sia. We can be together if you clear this exam and come here
She: I know Sanju.. and that's why I'm all tensed up.
He: Why? You'll make it.
She: Ohh! I'm not sure of that. *sobs*

                             She couldn't change the past happenings. She hardly could gear herself up to that fateful day when she screwed her papers. Things changed after that. The ambiance diverged. People altered their priorities.

                 Their priority list was same but in an upside down order. He topped her list.

                              The thought of him bought both happiness and tears. She couldn't stop herself and immediately sent him a message 'We are not going to talk anymore, are we?' and pressed sent. Cursing her impulsiveness. Of course, she asked for a tiny contact of being friends at the very least when he showed the inclination for breaking up. Deep down they both knew, being friends would do no justice to them. Infact, that 'F' word would strangle their emotions to death everyday. It would make it more difficult for them.

*beep* *beep* new message
                        
                             No, she didn't want to see it. She knew what he would reply. She looked away and couldn't tug a pointless war and opened the message.

He: It would hurt both of us.
She: But do you want to? 
He: Frankly, no.

                              There was no second thought for that reply. He made his decision and now its her turn to make hers. She honestly didn't expect something great to happen but anything little show of affection would've made her feel good. No, she wouldn't cry anymore. Leaving her tangled memories behind. She prepared for that same exam that uprooted her dreams. For she wanted to prove, it wasn't really the distance that parted them. Gathering all her strength and her zeal to clear that exam and enter that very college of his made her strong.


to be continued...
         
                            
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Unopened Envelope

                                                 

I shall be empty
For that smile I wear..
when it all rushes back
where solitude hugs and caresses me to sleep

I shall be concealed
for all the tears I've shed..
with the emphatic laughter..
where I still wish U were there..

I shall be strong..
for I'm pretending to be..
when they say this won't kill me..
where mind and heart tug a war..

I shall be praying..
For U to turn back..
when they think I let U go..
where I relentlessly search for lost Me..

I shall be missing..
for I'm chained with misery..
when they think I'm set free..
where my thoughts constantly grumble..

I shall need U..
for U are my journey of smiles..
when they think I'm over U..
where I still relive those moments..

I shall love U..
For I muster all my courage to accept it..
when I'm no good in expressing them out..
where I can only write them down..

                               

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On The Edge

Little would they know..
strolling through the memory..
the pain it took to overcome..

                                        Heart that pounds furiously
                                        where instincts scream to back off
                                        but the decision has been made..

                                         This stress is too much to take in
                                         Standing right On The Edge
                                         Strings of memories weaving 
                                        But its done...no more..
                                        Time passed..distance stayed..
                                        days got distracted..
                                       
                                        The blistered soles of feet
                                        beginning to give away...
                                        tear made its ways..
                                        like its following a rhythm
                                    
                                        Just one more step..
                                       She kept telling..
                                       One moment she was an living entity..


                       
                            
                                         
                                         

                                































































































































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Sia


                    She was early as usual. Everyday she was the first to reach the place of work.She opened the windows letting the cool breeze kiss her face and make her shiver.It was after the long winter day that sun peeped in ruling over the dark witty clouds.


                                     
                   She worked in a baby care centre and she absolutely loved her work. In about a hour or so, parents would come and leave their children here and rush to their offices.
 It was a bliss to be with children all day long.For all the little things they do, for all the smiles they shower when she plays with them,for all the innocence, sensitivity, delicacy they own..She adored being with them.She slowly took out her old brown diary,which she started writing just to re-read those moments of bliss when she would grow old, become a toothless granny and laugh her lungs out of how crazy she was!. She picked up her pen and started doodling little hearts in red ink in torn corners of the page and this brought memories back. Memories of silliness. Memories of bitter-sweet-pain. Memories of HIM...Adarsh,name that brought butterflies...



July 20th,2007:
                         They were together through out their school days. They planned their future together.They had their careers planned accordingly.Life was beautiful with each other in their lives. She was madly head-over-the-heels in love with him.He was too, atleast she thought so..

                                       

                          One abstract thought, and she tore the page off. Of all the love she had for him, he left her at the end of the day. He could'nt support his decision in front of his Mom and she wanted a high-educated wealthy bride for her precious son.She could'nt blame his mom for her fate. She convinced herself that she did'nt want someone who could'nt stand up for the decisions they take!.

                          She felt cheated.He promised to grow old with her.Listen music and watch bad TV throughout the day's length.Why did he have to break it? Time moved too fast for her to keep up with its pace.They said it'll be painful for a few months and then her life would adapt itself to this subtle change. Why was'nt her pain subsiding? Four long, wistful years had rolled by. Had'nt she suffered enough? These questions itched her fate and she could'nt scratch it. Once again they were no answers. She did'nt know what to feel anymore. It was tiring task. Right and wrong agreed with each other. Her face broke into infrequent tremors of grief, pain and wishful longing.

A tear fell, hot as acid, and scarred the flimsy white.

Nostalgia won.Again.

She wrote.And then ,some more.

      "Good Morning! Ciyah Are you there?" and she was back to this world.There was a man holding his daughter who was half asleep glaring stunnigly at her unusual numb-attitude.Shuting her brown diary and putting it back in its place, she retorted "Uff! Mr.Sekhar,Its S-I-A not Ciyah,short and sweet" ."Oh yeah! such weird name it is! Okay I'm in a hurry.My wife is coming back today and she will pick up Aria at 5 in the evening.Is it fine?" he fumbled handing his daughter to her and left without even waiting for her reply. Her day has started, she hugged Aria in her sleep and tried to cuddle off her morning weariness. Surprisingly enough, she hugged her back.

  Yes! her job filled her emptiness.

      Eventually, the place got filled with children cries,sounds of laughter and voices of nannies...she got herself occupied with talking to parents, enrolling new names into the list...

She sat with files dealing with the enrollment numbers, arranging them in order to make her work easier.

"Excuse me! where can I register my child's name?" she heard a woman's voice.
"Hmm U need to fill in the details here" she said without looking up,handing over a aplication form, disliking the interruption.
The woman took few minutes and handed over the form to her.
She examined and looked up reluctantly pointing "You did'nt fill your husband's designation"
"My husband's not here any more...He died in a accident 6 months ago" she said trying to control her tears with the end of  her saree.
"I'm so sorry!" she hurriedly said cursing herself  hard for asking this. She looked intently at that woman then, she looked tired, weary who was trying her best to fight back her tears.
"Its fine.You did'nt know" that woman smiled with a voice that filled with pain.
There is always something so intriguing about a broken shy smile she thought.
"What's your baby's name?" she asked trying to divert the topic, she sympathised her situation.

"Oh its Sia.S-I-A short and sweet. Actually my husband loves that name" the woman breaked out silently

 The pen fell from her hands!.The world stopped for her.Her heart skipped a beat. Her eyes and mouth opened wider

"UHH!What's your husband's name?" she asked slowly breaking down


                               


NO...She didnt want to know the answer.Never.She stood there voice dead.


Nostalgia won.Again.And she surrendered to it willingly.
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iHidden

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed, when you get what you need, but not what you want..."
                      You`ve got one life they say but how can they easily ignore the countless compromises it comes with.However, every thought, every line, every word that we pen down in our 'not so' personal diaries gives growth to a writer-bud within you...
                      It lets you Hide and Whisper those tiny little words which seem to be loud cries of your heart. It gives hope in sadness, something that insists life to be seen from a more optimistic view...though this optimism may seem far fetched sometimes...
                                       
                                      
                                        
                                       Do you know how it feels to be ignored?
                                      Do you know how it feels to not be a 
                                      part of someone`s happiness?
                                      Do you know how it feels to be a reason
                                      of someone`s cry?

                                     They are certain human emotions
                                      that rob our lives from our hands...
                                     And its intriguing how we surrender ourselves to them
                                     Like we are under some spell...!!
                                     But these vibes are not pain!
                                     its a struggle to keep up...
                                     Sometimes it so happens,
                                     You have to realize that some people can  
                                     Stay In Your Heart Forever...
                                     But not in your life.
                                              

  For that happiness running in the parallel universe, for the peace and serenity it might bring, but for now its- Hiding Behind My Words!
                                        
                                      

 So, yes! these are certain fragments of my dairy...                       
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The Wait

                          
                                    
It was tough to open all my secrets to YOU...
I was so naive,
That...
I like-ed YOU...
I trust-ed YOU...
I admire-ed YOU...
I respect-ed YOU...

 But 

Every time I decide-ed I won`t give in my courage
YOU come and break in like a storm...
YOU were like wind...
came and gone in a eyes glance
That little affection YOU carry around...
Hits me harder
I can`t imagine my life without YOU
All I want-ed was to...
be with YOU 
stand by YOU
argue with YOU
fight with YOU
support YOU

But

All YOU gift-ed ME was 
push-ing ME down
abandon-ing MY heart
murder-ing MY feelings

But

Why I don`t understand?
I keep WAITING for YOU...
Wishing to see the rainbow of your eyes
Coz I know you`ll come back
Only to leave ME again...


                                          I thought it was only me...
                                         But now YOU`ve found her
                                         And I know that 
                                        YOU can never look at me
                                        The way YOU look at her...

And the reason why I don`t want to blame YOU
For this woe is coz
It was never your fault...

I kept hearing things,
The ones YOU never verbalized
I kept holding on to promises,
Which YOU never made
I made myself believe that,
YOU were the only ONE I needed
And I kept believing that someday,
Your transient feeling towards ME
Will blossom into something else

but

how could I forget that,
what we want the most 
is the only thing that is never gonna happen...?!

                                             For now...
                                             I hope YOU`ll realize
                                             how it feels
                                             To be stranded on thruway
                                             that leads to NOWHERE...!!!
  
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Here For You...

                               
                                  Indolent were those days...
                                before I met you
                                Each tomorrow was same as yesterday...
                                books squeezed most of my time
                               
                               Then YOU entered my life...
                                things were`nt the same anymore
                                Every new day began with a hope...
                                sweet feeling slowly crept in

                               Moment of bliss bust in...
                               every moment with you was blessed
                               Time just flew by...
                               The joy that you bring , filled my day

what more could I ask for?
elated by the very feeling...
wishing upon a star ,
but...
Yes, I was cut down...

                               The feelings I have for you...
                               never seem to die,
                               I keep having those memories...
                               And I don`t why ?
                                
                                Memories of what we talked... 
                               what we thought,
                                how we felt...
                                Still stay in my head,
                              
                                 Although my heart was torn...
                                 I did nothing but forgive,
                               We pushed through our lives...
                                 And we continued to live

Tablets of the memory,
 never faded away...
Because sometimes I go back,
before each breaking day...

                              Being friends was one thing...
                              that we both agreed,
                               Upon all of this...
                              I thought I was freed,
                                   
                              Freed from everything
                              That kept me to you, 
                               But I`m still not...
                              And I know it`s true,
                             
                              Now its all empty...
                              in the valley of my heart,
                             As hard as it might be...
                             Sometimes, we just have to let go,

I don't know,
how to handle a complicated heart...
 If I had to pray for someone,
I`d pray for you...
       
                             I`m stuck without a voice,
                             without thoughts...
                            And without the strength,
                             to move on...
                            
                             This is something,
                              I need to do on my own...
                             This is the path You chose,
                             This is the way I should go...
                            
                               Because the one thing I do know,
                              Being pulled back to reality,
                              And to let my heart be untroubled by judgements 
                            Is I can bring my feelings to death...
  
Even if we are,
never again together...
I`m always Here For You
Always and forever...


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Cremated Truth

                           It`s tormenting when you want to share something with a person who means a lot to you but yet that very person becomes the last human on this earth you would ever want to tell the Truth

                           Coz deep down you know...it would definitely hurt them, your views would`nt be appreciated and the remaining 'bits and pieces' could also be lost. Eventually peace of mind is lost too, as you are left with No solution. Everything seems flawed when you think too much. I guess that's what happens when lot of things remain unsaid, they cloud up inside your head and mess it up...

                             In the battle between the brain and the heart, the brain normally wins. Even if heart looses, it does`nt allow the brain to stay happy. Deep feelings can be dangerous at times...!!
                                  
                                     
                           Instead of clinging to the shreds of possibilities with a false hope of reliving them again, perhaps it`s wise enough to hold  a firm grip upon yourself and fake-around. Thereby, truth has to  be Hidden Deep. In that way you can avoid hurting many people and when question comes about your heart... Well, huh! who cares ??? ;)



P.S Hard to Forget... Harder to Express...






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