Nothing hits harder than..No Sleep!

Its weird how things seems perfect for a sec turn out to be a feigned image formed in head.

I overthink. Yes.
And what help does it do? Well, it blesses me bouts of headache which is nothing more or less like a hangover without actually drinking. Huh! its huge.
Peaceful sleep seem like a myth these days.
Talks with my bestie. Don't help.
Watching sitcoms. Don't help.
Book world. Don't help either.
I've read this book "The Other side of Midnight" by Sidney for I dunno like ages. I lost my grip at it. Book'z good but not as captivating like his other best works i.e. Master of the Game or Tell me your Dreams etc.
And ofcourse never take too many breaks amidst your read. It will only diminish your interest.
"If Tomorrow comes" is one book am awaiting.
Okay, back to the main point. Sleep just ditches me for no apparent reason. I hardly manage to sleep for 3 hrs in the whole day.
And to make matters worse..
I stop talking suddenly.
Start loosing my temper.

I dunno what'z the state of my mind. All it does is shout I don't want this.
I'm disturbed.
May be I'm no good at expressing self.
May be people aren't what I thought they were. And I've mistaken much.
I dunno what more I expect from life.
I dunno why I give this undying prior to few people.
I dunno why I get upset on things I should be least bothered about.
I dunno why I cut off people who of all would never put me in a position to doubt my craziness.
I dunno who kidnapped my wishful thinking.
                           
But these effing thoughts are so consuming that zoom out peace from life.
I don't wanna care. Not a inch more or less.

Anyway all the complaints come down to..
Sometimes we need a patient person who'd let you rant, cry, listen to all the crap and still term you cool :D
Sometimes we need them to tell us we're happy and make us believe it. May be for little time.
Sometimes we need to be THAT PERSON ourselves.
Coz hey! we're no less than awesome. ;)

So, my blog's anniversary'z in 13days!!
Can't believe I've managed a year of monsters in invisibility cloak ;)
Of all the amiss. Writing makes me feel good. Its an attempt to leave a trail of weariness behind.
And as long as we're talking of being really strange. Welcome to my life. :P

Till next post...
Cheers :-)

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Living Through The Perks

                                   

                                            Have you ever read a book that u actually felt like filled with your thoughts or those words which you couldn't be bold enough to speak them out? Well, this definitely is one kind of book. Some stories are never complete. Honestly, this book has nothing to do with innovative ideas or great scribe of  letters put together. Its the envelope of innocence, simplicity, candor of a high-school kid's thoughts put into much effortless captivating words.

I won't reveal much about the plot but it includes the classes of friendship, fear, love, what not? everything that shows the transition between a naive kid to a mature minded person. Charlie is the person who narrates the story and its from his perspective the story is weaved. He makes two good friends Sam and Patrick who become part of his family eventually.

I liked the way how friendship is unmistakably put into plain explanation jumbling with thoughts. The writer was successful in keeping the reader focused right from the first page such that you start thinking from his view and live it like its own. Everyone has friends but how exactly can you pick a random call to your friend anytime of the day having no reason but just to blabber and listen what he/she says in return and consider that the other person doesn't think your disturbance is actual disturbance? There's a difference. Let me tell you its exceptional. Cherish them. I can bluntly name a few in my fingertips and its this silent promise I make to them of standing up for them no matter what odds. How amazing is that? Some good laughs. Some jokes. Some definitions. Some serious talks about matters of heart shared with them often becomes unique.

In the course of life, ways may part. We come across heartbreaks, betrayal, clouds of darkness that blows us hard on the face. It happens with everyone. But the warmth, the love, the giggles, the comfort, the connectivity, the serenity, the elatedness and the uplift will always finds its way. May be late. May be when we're on certain urge of giving up on our passion, then these are going to keep us sane.

They are certain words in the book that left me thinking. Really, they were just sentences but definitely had its own story in them. 

Few thoughts, few lines, few expressions bring commotion for keep drowning in it word by word.

                                         


My favorite quotes from the book:

• So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
• We accept the love we think we deserve.
• “He’s my whole world.”
  “Don’t ever say that about anyone again. Not even me.”
• Sometimes, I read a book, and I think am the people in the book.
• And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.( THIS!!! is my most fav one)
• And the people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are.
• I think it was the first time in my life I ever felt like I looked “good.” Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror, and your hair’s right for the first time in your life?
• Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody
• “I would die for you. But I won’t live for you.”
• Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they’re not, they will be soon enough. 

They are many more...

When to read:

Its a short one. Hence, best when you're travelling. Reason? Well I'll give 2 of them..
1.Goes without saying, its a simplistic read.
2. You'd get the satisfaction that you finished a book in your travel :P 


On that note..
keep reading as much as you can..
Smile always :-)

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On the note of 'Lists'

My "Oh My God, Why?" list:

1. Why is it that we like to confide in strangers?
2. Why do we (especially ME)  ALWAYS  make someone the "center of my universe" ? when clearly my presence is "Nothing" to them??
3. Why do we hold all the little moments, wrap them, write about them and hide it safely in our secret closet...reliving each bit of them in our dreams?? when those "someone" can't even recall them.
4. Why do we always try to be genuinely nice to those who've done nothing but gossip about you?
5. Is being diplomatic helpful?
6. Why do we feel so far even if we are with people who are absolutely fun to be with?
7. Why should we pretend like nothing ever happened? when all you want to do is shout, yell and spill out the demons-inside-your-head.
8. Why should I be on guard with my free-spirited gypsy unafraid to speak my mind attitude? so on... (there's lot more)

I'm actually expecting a background score from Karan Johar ( It would add to the moment you know ;) )


My "Lets Be.." list:

1. Lets be careless, mad and senselessly un-monitored with 'being our self'
2. Blah to those who put on magnifying glasses and inspect each word of yours to twist them.
3. Shoo away those who look upon all angles to put/bring you down. ( They should've been very good with Geometry, no? ok, bad one :P )
4. Always give a stand to those who y'know would do the same when tables turn. Yes, expectation is good only if they're your closest ones. ( Lets not fool ourselves with the word 'close' now!)
5. Lets make up after big big fights.
6. Lets laugh and make fun of each other only in each others presence.
7. Lets have those pointless talks, unguided walks.
8. Lets not make anyone feel odd or left out. Happiness comes when smiling faces multiplies.
so on...


Too much whining going around, no?
This song should make up for it ;)
          

                        Of companionship as cold as Ice

                                              Lets not alter our views depending on the 'actions'. They are momentary, impulsive or may be just may be has a  story of itself. If we care, ponder on the 'cause' otherwise just 'let it be' who cares? 

Little poetry: 

A walk, little talks...
A song, to fit in silences..
A sarcastic taunt, to brush the nervousness..
A little longing, post meetings..
A speck of silliness, to mentor our course..
A escape, for all unasked promises..
A Just This moment, to set eyes wandering for reasons..
A melodramatic fight, for laughter..
Because 
Not All Who Wish For Are Left Disappointed...
Tiny moments of joy strengthens you through all odds!!                            




If you've friends who are half as crazy as you, who fathom easily, and so you can possibly be your sappy and cranky self. Then you sir, are damn lucky. *Obligatory sniff and a bow*


Thanks for listening,
Cheerios for happy week ahead :-)

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So, Its Goodbye? All like that?!

                         The clock ticked 1 in the morning, waking her up. She then realized that she dozed away on the book she was reading earlier. No, she couldn't study this way. Cursing her tiredness, she jumped out of her warm cozy bed, washed her face, made herself a cup of tea and determined to finish her last minute revision for her next day exam. She read for half an hour when her phone beeped prompting new message. She hoped against hope that it was from him.As expected it wasn't from him.
                     
                           She couldn't believe that she still expected some communication with him.Him! He! the heart throb of any girl. He was smart, easy to be with, simple and gorgeous in his infinite mannerism. She adored him for long but little did he know her state. Magically, he did talk to her one day and from then the constant giggles, escaped glances became a part of their lives. But as they say, happy things don't come without some *conditions apply* tag. His family moved to other state. Still they tried their best to fight the distance between them.
                           
                            There was this one opportunity that striked them to make the circumstances favourable.   It was the very day last year, when she was doing her study, he phoned her. They talked all the very things happening around them. Talking to him, eased her nervous self.

He: This exam is very important for us, Sia. We can be together if you clear this exam and come here
She: I know Sanju.. and that's why I'm all tensed up.
He: Why? You'll make it.
She: Ohh! I'm not sure of that. *sobs*

                             She couldn't change the past happenings. She hardly could gear herself up to that fateful day when she screwed her papers. Things changed after that. The ambiance diverged. People altered their priorities.

                 Their priority list was same but in an upside down order. He topped her list.

                              The thought of him bought both happiness and tears. She couldn't stop herself and immediately sent him a message 'We are not going to talk anymore, are we?' and pressed sent. Cursing her impulsiveness. Of course, she asked for a tiny contact of being friends at the very least when he showed the inclination for breaking up. Deep down they both knew, being friends would do no justice to them. Infact, that 'F' word would strangle their emotions to death everyday. It would make it more difficult for them.

*beep* *beep* new message
                        
                             No, she didn't want to see it. She knew what he would reply. She looked away and couldn't tug a pointless war and opened the message.

He: It would hurt both of us.
She: But do you want to? 
He: Frankly, no.

                              There was no second thought for that reply. He made his decision and now its her turn to make hers. She honestly didn't expect something great to happen but anything little show of affection would've made her feel good. No, she wouldn't cry anymore. Leaving her tangled memories behind. She prepared for that same exam that uprooted her dreams. For she wanted to prove, it wasn't really the distance that parted them. Gathering all her strength and her zeal to clear that exam and enter that very college of his made her strong.


to be continued...
         
                            

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Crumpled Paper

I scribbled, I tore and I wrote again...
Trying to tell you all my pain..
They kept coming back,
raw, violent, brutal and vehemently..

I sketched, I fumbled upon all those words unspoken..
But it didn't heal either...
You were never beside me,
nor was your shadow..

I searched, I groped all the energy..
for it slowly poured in, and crumbled me to pieces..
blinding light shone from above
cutting down all the shreds of broken ..

I squiggled, I scrawled and I wrote again..
In the end, it struck me hard..
If you were my Love ,
you'd know even the untold stories apart..!

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Your 'Sky'ness..!!

summer recreation

P.S. Writing down on a paper has its own essence that can never be replaced with typing.. 

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Unopened Envelope

                                                 

I shall be empty
For that smile I wear..
when it all rushes back
where solitude hugs and caresses me to sleep

I shall be concealed
for all the tears I've shed..
with the emphatic laughter..
where I still wish U were there..

I shall be strong..
for I'm pretending to be..
when they say this won't kill me..
where mind and heart tug a war..

I shall be praying..
For U to turn back..
when they think I let U go..
where I relentlessly search for lost Me..

I shall be missing..
for I'm chained with misery..
when they think I'm set free..
where my thoughts constantly grumble..

I shall need U..
for U are my journey of smiles..
when they think I'm over U..
where I still relive those moments..

I shall love U..
For I muster all my courage to accept it..
when I'm no good in expressing them out..
where I can only write them down..

                               

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Little Somethings

This was his D-day...

How restless he was waiting for this day.His book got published. The audience response, appreciation, recognition, over-night fame was overwhelming.

*claps claps* *click click*

His dream has come true.
"Sir, amazed by the response, planing for your next book?" asked an interviewer quickly.
"No, I'm still savoring my first child's birth" He smiled gently.
"Very well, sir. Do you want to say anything to your readers?"
"Yes. Thanks to all my readers. Am in high spirits as you people like it. Relations cannot be defined, nor its easy to put them in words. I hope I've given my best."

 The press-meet was done. The publishing team congratulated him.

"We are throwing a party tonight Arun, you should be there" said Santhosh, one of his publishing partner.
"Uhh! I am sorry Santhosh, I've plans" He said meekly.
"C'mon Arun , we can't party without you. After all, its coz of you we are celebrating" in a dissapointed voice
"I really would've make it. But I want to share my success with my family first. You can understand"
" Yeah! okay. We will party some other time. Family comes first as you said in your book"
"Thanks" He said and left.


He reached home holding his hand written copy of  his book. He was anxious to look at his wife's expression when she'd know about his first publication. She was all he had. She was his only family. It was her smile he longed to see.


 He called her name. There was no response. He searched for her in every room. She was nowhere...


There he found a note on the table saying...
"Going to dine out. Will be late."

                                 "If only I could write the story of my life..." He thought.

This was his story. No change.
Yet, He smiled.

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Eyes Upon You

        We all live in a world where they are many people around who stop us , question us, point out our mistakes but never make an effort to correct them!

Have you noticed that boy who always jumps up on answering the questions posed on him by the teacher?
Did you ever care of talking to the girl who prefers to sit in the front benches alone?
Do you know how it feels like to have all Eyes Upon You everytime?

       We all pass on comments as...
"Arey ! he has only bookish knowledge, he is just obsessed on standing first."
"That girl! she is such a bore...she has no life...!!"
 Really?? Who are we to judge them? We hardly even know them!

                In today's world, every action of ours is judged. It takes really few people to explore the motive behind that action.Its not that nobody is perfect, infact its like we can't see anyone being perfect!. No matter how good that person is to us, we unintentionally dig upon their loop holes and try to exaggerate them for reasons we can't decipher.Why? Everyone suffers when we decide to be selfish. The basic need of life pertain to I, Me and Myself!. At times, we have no idea how hard our words strike them. There is a ocean we have to glimpse behind every smile of  theirs.

We are not aware how much it hurts, until it happens to us...!

                                    
               If  I've given a chance to change one thing around me, it would be to shower slightest sense of Humbleness on us. It's high time for everyone to change their attitude towards their fellow beings.

Hate is not the opposite of Love, Indifference surely is...!

It's sad to see so much of indifference around, moreover people drag it to their virtual lives too. Human relations are bound to be simple and kept away from any negative vibes. Lets be modest enough and treat everyone equally. Lets not draw presumptions into each others lives.

A little humility won't harm you know.
Let all the negativity burn...spread smiles...Yes, its Time To Change :-)



This post is an official entry for Stayfree's Time To Change hosted by IndiBlogger.

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Sia

                    She was early as usual. Everyday she was the first to reach the place of work.She opened the windows letting the cool breeze kiss her face and make her shiver.It was after the long winter day that sun peeped in ruling over the dark witty clouds.

                                     
                   She worked in a baby care centre and she absolutely loved her work. In about a hour or so, parents would come and leave their children here and rush to their offices.
 It was a bliss to be with children all day long.For all the little things they do, for all the smiles they shower when she plays with them,for all the innocence, sensitivity, delicacy they own..She adored being with them.She slowly took out her old brown diary,which she started writing just to re-read those moments of bliss when she would grow old, become a toothless granny and laugh her lungs out of how crazy she was!. She picked up her pen and started doodling little hearts in red ink in torn corners of the page and this brought memories back. Memories of silliness. Memories of bitter-sweet-pain. Memories of HIM...Adarsh,name that brought butterflies...



July 20th,2007:
                         They were together through out their school days. They planned their future together.They had their careers planned accordingly.Life was beautiful with each other in their lives. She was madly head-over-the-heels in love with him.He was too, atleast she thought so..

                                       

                          One abstract thought, and she tore the page off. Of all the love she had for him, he left her at the end of the day. He could'nt support his decision in front of his Mom and she wanted a high-educated wealthy bride for her precious son.She could'nt blame his mom for her fate. She convinced herself that she did'nt want someone who could'nt stand up for the decisions they take!.

                          She felt cheated.He promised to grow old with her.Listen music and watch bad TV throughout the day's length.Why did he have to break it? Time moved too fast for her to keep up with its pace.They said it'll be painful for a few months and then her life would adapt itself to this subtle change. Why was'nt her pain subsiding? Four long, wistful years had rolled by. Had'nt she suffered enough? These questions itched her fate and she could'nt scratch it. Once again they were no answers. She did'nt know what to feel anymore. It was tiring task. Right and wrong agreed with each other. Her face broke into infrequent tremors of grief, pain and wishful longing.

A tear fell, hot as acid, and scarred the flimsy white.

Nostalgia won.Again.

She wrote.And then ,some more.

      "Good Morning! Ciyah Are you there?" and she was back to this world.There was a man holding his daughter who was half asleep glaring stunnigly at her unusual numb-attitude.Shuting her brown diary and putting it back in its place, she retorted "Uff! Mr.Sekhar,Its S-I-A not Ciyah,short and sweet" ."Oh yeah! such weird name it is! Okay I'm in a hurry.My wife is coming back today and she will pick up Aria at 5 in the evening.Is it fine?" he fumbled handing his daughter to her and left without even waiting for her reply. Her day has started, she hugged Aria in her sleep and tried to cuddle off her morning weariness. Surprisingly enough, she hugged her back.

  Yes! her job filled her emptiness.

      Eventually, the place got filled with children cries,sounds of laughter and voices of nannies...she got herself occupied with talking to parents, enrolling new names into the list...

She sat with files dealing with the enrollment numbers, arranging them in order to make her work easier.

"Excuse me! where can I register my child's name?" she heard a woman's voice.
"Hmm U need to fill in the details here" she said without looking up,handing over a aplication form, disliking the interruption.
The woman took few minutes and handed over the form to her.
She examined and looked up reluctantly pointing "You did'nt fill your husband's designation"
"My husband's not here any more...He died in a accident 6 months ago" she said trying to control her tears with the end of  her saree.
"I'm so sorry!" she hurriedly said cursing herself  hard for asking this. She looked intently at that woman then, she looked tired, weary who was trying her best to fight back her tears.
"Its fine.You did'nt know" that woman smiled with a voice that filled with pain.
There is always something so intriguing about a broken shy smile she thought.
"What's your baby's name?" she asked trying to divert the topic, she sympathised her situation.

"Oh its Sia.S-I-A short and sweet. Actually my husband loves that name" the woman breaked out silently

 The pen fell from her hands!.The world stopped for her.Her heart skipped a beat. Her eyes and mouth opened wider

"UHH!What's your husband's name?" she asked slowly breaking down

                               


NO...She didnt want to know the answer.Never.She stood there voice dead.


Nostalgia won.Again.And she surrendered to it willingly.

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Unfilled Emotions

                           
                                                  Gaping at plain paper...
                                               wishing it to flood out with words..
                                            when at a hard time to resonate ambiguity.
                                             It came slowly, swiftly without answers!...
                                         relinquishing the pain hidden deep...
                                        in the sands of time...undisturbed, unquestioned, airy !
                                              Striking the evil-reality...
                                    when the most outrageous imagination drowns,
                                          in the sea of thoughts trapped in my head...
                                     to dump all the emotions captured by time...
                                             longing for passion to reap!..
                                  Yet! for the turmoil aroused,
                                         to relish the moment of daily anecdotes...
                                         I wish to be the smile of  your dreams

                                                Years from now,
                                   we won`t remember the totes in the corner...
                                But the efforts made to respect the way it felt matters!
                                    The vibrant laughter..fits perfectly well...
                                              with those stifled sobs...

                                             Stranded midst reality...
                                       choosing to getaway by letting go...
                                              Is clogged!
                                          Giving wings to my heart...
                                       pouring my soul out on paper...
                                      The wind flows away that page,
                                     dragging my heart to be caged,
                               which always dreamt of flying with you...

                            The salty blot on the paper...explains it all!

Why can`t we just say what we feel?!
What's the point in hiding things one feels?
Sooner or later unsaid things just hurt more, it would never make a situation good but worse..
These days, nothing can be hidden or lied upon... Everything is like open...
Keeping mum never helps...

Well! Silence is blissful Only when the person sharing it knows the reason behind it...
Else...its all vacuum...The Void..!!

                  

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